Including Your Spouse In Your Infertility Journey

Including our spouse in our infertility journey can be difficult. We want them to know what to say & not say, and what to do & when to do it... But we aren’t the only ones experiencing this journey. Our spouse is hurting too, so we must keep that in mind while navigating our own hurts and show them grace.

Communication is so crucial during this time. In today’s episode, we sit down with Lizelle Fischer, licensed professional counselor, and friend to discuss including our spouse in our infertility journey. Lizelle has some great advice and experience to share with us.

We learned a lot of helpful tips during this conversation, and we believe you will too! 

You are not alone!

Episode Highlights: 

• Intro to Lizelle Fischer
• How to include your spouse on your infertility journey
• Things to remember in regard to your spouse in your infertility journey

Links Mentioned in Episode/Find More on Purpose Beyond Motherhood:

• Register For Refined on April 29th! 
• Twelve 12 Ministries Website
• IG Handle: @twelve12ministries
• Facebook: @twelve12ministries
• Email: info@twelve12ministries
• Purchase our Declaration Cards!

Transcript

00:00.00
twelve12ministries
Hey, friends welcome back to another episode of the purpose beyond motherhood podcast I'm here Holly's here and we have an amazing amazing special guest with us. Ah, Lille is here she is a fellow board member. She is an Lpc. We're going to let her kind of just share all the things that she does but she is a mom for a 4 right? Is it for ok mom of 4 she's she is a super woman but she does have a.

00:16.73
Lizelle
Are.

00:24.43
Lizelle
Yes, what? ah.

00:26.13
Holly 
Blessings.

00:31.50
twelve12ministries
A beautiful story of of infertility and just like how the lord has blessed her um and she's just a wealth of knowledge and um I mean not only because she's a board member. We wanted to have her on but just.

00:42.36
Lizelle
From options.

00:43.48
Holly 
Yes.

00:45.59
twelve12ministries
She She's fabulous. You guys and I think that you're going to love her because we just love her and adore her and um, again, she just has so much wisdom. Yeah.

00:48.40
Holly 
Are.

00:54.91
Lizelle
Ah, thanks Nicole! Thank you my name's Lille I am a license professional counselor practice right here out of Briscoe Texas been doing it. Oh I think over 8 10 years I've been in the mental health field.

01:08.18
Holly 
Wow.

01:11.98
Lizelle
About 15 so a lot of experience got 4 kids like Nicole was saying so have a journey through through that through that experience as well. So the board is good and he has blessed us with with us. Ah, kids and work and and I just love being with Nicole and Holly on a twelve fall

01:38.13
Holly 
Yes, we love you.

01:40.19
twelve12ministries
Letll you sweet? Yes, yeah, we love you so much. So today we're just going to just jump right into including your spouse on this infertility journey I will be the first one to admit I did not do this well. But.

01:53.93
Lizelle
All more.

01:55.35
Holly 
Um, was.

01:56.63
twelve12ministries
I Didn't do it Well I think I didn't even know how to do it and I think I just you I'll just talk about myself I won't put you guys in it. But I think I just as I assumed that my that my husband was like reading my mind you know, reading my mind of what I needed.

02:01.70
Holly 
Um.

02:04.45
Lizelle
Um, well.

02:09.25
Holly 
Um, yeah.

02:13.23
Lizelle
Scoop that.

02:15.33
twelve12ministries
What I wanted and what um you know I thought that this journey was going to look like and so holly what about you did you include John or were you just like on your own who.

02:21.41
Holly 
Oh my gosh I think I like tried to strongarm like thinking I didn't need his like I was like I got this like you know and then I think the lord quickly showed me the strength he brought.

02:33.74
twelve12ministries
Yeah.

02:40.47
Holly 
And my like but the lord brought me strength but also like John had exactly what I needed and I would have a pity party and he'd be like you have to get up like you cannot cry about this. You have to get up and like do something about it and so.

02:42.26
twelve12ministries
Um, that's good. Um.

02:54.45
Holly 
Yeah I think I tried to say I don't need your help a little bit and the lord was like that's cute. You do need So that's why I gave you each other I was like okay but we do often say or I often think about the fact that standing at the altar if you would have told me like the things we would go through I would have said no like that we're not gonna.

03:02.89
Lizelle
Um.

03:14.43
Holly 
We're gonna have kids easy. Whatever. But I think it's sweet to see how the lord laces his faithfulness through like every step of it all and how much you really do need things in each other you didn't know you even needed. But yeah, thank you.

03:26.97
twelve12ministries
That's good.

03:27.10
Lizelle
Ah, that's so beautiful I like that he use laces too because that reminds me of you know scripture the 3 chords cannot be equally broken. So yeah, very beautiful I think that um you know you're right I was.

03:35.23
twelve12ministries
Um, yes, um.

03:35.69
Holly 
Um, that's good.

03:43.51
Lizelle
Guilty of that as well like I didn't I did not think to incorporate my husband I would you know he knew what the goal was he knew that we were trying to have kids but I think just that personal struggle of it I was like you know I've always kind of taken things like on my own and just. You know, handled it and I'm like I got this I got this and you know, um I think as I was learning and you know praying and just talking to God about the process and and then as you know, um, you know I was practicing as a. Counselor and started working with women who deal with fertility I was like you know it's really about just being intentional, right? intentionally including your spouse I think oftentimes we just see them as like oh they're just right there you know like.

04:28.32
Holly 
Um.

04:36.11
Lizelle
You know me and we're married and you if you see that I'm upset then join in help me out like I don't need to voice everything to you but the journey of fertility needs more than that it needs more than just hey notice I'm in a bad mood I notice.

04:41.64
twelve12ministries
Um.

04:55.60
Lizelle
Like you know I need your help I need your support. But instead we have to be able to voice that to them I mean you know they the thing about men is that is that God wired them to be fixers right? so.

04:56.10
Holly 
Earth.

05:05.66
twelve12ministries
And.

05:08.34
Holly 
Yes, he did.

05:11.00
twelve12ministries
And.

05:11.70
Lizelle
If we just say yeah fixers and so if we just tell them hey I'm going through a hard time. This is what I need at most often. They will just try their very best to support us in that way. So.

05:23.29
Holly 
Her.

05:29.11
Lizelle
When I wanted to talk on the journey of fertility and how to support your spouse in that journey. Um, you know there was like several points that came across and as I was studying this and researching it I was like well this just seems very.

05:48.66
Lizelle
You know, like why wouldn't anybody think of that. But again I just kept thinking this is really about understanding it and being intentional about it. You know like for example, 1 of them is understanding that that you are a part of the treatment process. So.

06:03.72
Holly 
The.

06:06.70
Lizelle
In the journey I Think what immediately comes to a man's mind is well. It's her process. She's struggling. Um, she's you know and I just want to be a good husband to her mind you they don't know what to do but they're like okay.

06:25.28
Holly 
With.

06:26.70
Lizelle
But you know, but as you go through that process they see oh you know it could be meat as Well. You know or oh I didn't know I had to get tested or run. So You know, go through treatment process as Well. Um, but that's where it's like okay when you know that in the beginning or anywhere throughout the journey when you know that you have to do this together. Allow it to bring you closer in not just like okay this is my journey and this is your journey and we just don't ever talk about it because it can really help bond the marriage in that way just understanding like well we are in this together. You do have to go through something you know.

06:47.33
Holly 
It's good.

06:55.14
twelve12ministries
But and.

06:58.94
Holly 
Earth.

07:03.72
Lizelle
Testing as well and for us to get our our goal to have a baby so you know throughout the throughout the process. There's a lot of ups and downs and hurts and when we go through the the phase of the part of it where it hurts. Who do we turn to.

07:07.97
Holly 
That's good.

07:20.40
Holly 
No, just.

07:22.67
Lizelle
To get mad at or as our punching bag. We turn to our spouse right? and so it's you know there's that point of never get into the blame game and because when we do that when we do that it's one. It just sends us backwards like 10 steps backwards. It's not you know, productive to the.

07:22.87
twelve12ministries
Um.

07:29.46
twelve12ministries
Oh that's good.

07:32.36
Holly 
It's really good.

07:41.89
Lizelle
The process of like hey we're in on a team I think that there's other ways to flow that steam off right? to process the difficulty of the journey. But when we get into the blame it just like any marital situation.

07:48.94
Holly 
Enter.

08:00.82
Lizelle
Conversation or or dispute when we get into the blame game. We immediately go into defense mode rather than like oh how can I help this process. How can I add to this so it's just it's just not good. You know like a.

08:07.30
Holly 
This.

08:15.53
twelve12ministries
Um I.

08:18.50
Lizelle
Especially in this in this journey is just not good to to go into the the blame game. Um, also um, you know something to do together is to educate educate yourself each other and you know the.

08:22.30
twelve12ministries
Um, yeah, um.

08:34.95
Lizelle
Guy doesn't always know what you're going through and vice versa. Also you know the the specialist your doctor's obese like anybody they can give you information they can set you up with support systems whether individually or.

08:35.16
Holly 
Math.

08:53.76
Lizelle
Or as a couple and there's just there's more resources out there. But again we have to a lot of times when you go to sit in the doctor's office. They're not like okay here's all this stuff they might throw you pamphlets but they're not going to they most often are not going to say okay well. There's a support group here here's this resource for you. Here's some like you almost have to ask for it? Um, So again, you'll probably hear me say intentional a lot but it really it's just kind of about knowing where you're at and knowing what you need and then being intentional in that and.

09:24.60
Holly 
Yes.

09:26.10
twelve12ministries
E.

09:30.99
Lizelle
Um, so again, Yeah, also let's see um how can you support her so you know yes, it's about supporting her and and I'll get to supporting him as well. But with the supporting her piece.

09:32.70
Holly 
That's good.

09:50.80
Lizelle
Um I think it's just it's like that extra step that a husband can do to help support his wife a lot of times you know the day in and day out of the day of the routine can be overlooked in the. You know, like how am I supporting my spouse. How am I supporting my wife. Oh. She's got the kids. She's doing the chores doing the work. Whatever it is and I just come in and do the regular but it's that extra step that they could take that says. Okay, what do you need from me today.

10:27.76
Holly 
No okay.

10:29.74
Lizelle
Yesterday it was a hard day. This morning is a hard day today is a hard day. What more do you What more could I do for you and just that extra question that extra support that they can offer when I talk to couples about. How to you know, just kind of pay attention to what the other spouse needs I like to easily I think this I do this because it's a little bit more concrete It's easy for you know the husband and wife to understand. But I go back to like love languages. So.

11:04.75
Holly 
The.

11:08.42
Lizelle
Something as simple as love language and just the mere understanding that we all love differently. So How do you love? What is your love language. Let me be sure that I love you based on your love language not based on mine. So Let's say mine is gifts and yours is act and you know. My his guests and my husband's is access service and you know he comes home and he cleans and I'm just like ah he still doesn't think of me and he's like well I did I Just like you know did the dishes for you and folded a little laundry and I'm like oh whatever like I haven't seen you all week and it's been a hard day. And then the next day he brings me flowers. Well I'm just gonna be like oh oh my gosh he thought of me you know it's just it's truly just that extra step now I'm really not a a guest person I am I would act as service listen I got 4 kids and like laundry like to no end.

11:53.22
Holly 
Um, just.

11:57.87
Holly 
Specific. Um, yes, mm.

12:06.36
Lizelle
So please f some laundry. Um and then let's see. Okay, so do not hesitate. Oh actually let me let me come to that one later always show her that you're on the same team.

12:06.81
twelve12ministries
Um.

12:23.25
twelve12ministries
I hit.

12:23.59
Holly 
So again.

12:24.61
Lizelle
Right? So This can be This can be you know in the check-in talking tour. Um you know, just knowing like um I mean in the appointments whether or not, you're able to make every single appointment together. Um, majority of them. It's good to always talk about it. How do you feel? you know,? let's let's be sure that we're not only talking about our dreams and our goals but also reality reality if we can just stay in touch with the reality of the struggle knowing that. Okay.

12:57.22
twelve12ministries
Um.

13:01.83
Lizelle
We tried it. We hope that this works like our hope is not in this process but allow your hope to be in the lord and what he is capable of doing because this process doesn't happen without him you know and so.

13:17.21
Holly 
It's good.

13:21.34
Lizelle
To to talk to to talk to each other about you know, where are we realistically feeling about this this just could go great. This could not um, what would if it doesn't what is that going to look like maybe not every single time. But it is a point to touch on for sure and then let's see skipping the baby oriented activities. So just Understanding. You know that that can be painful I don't think that.

13:49.91
twelve12ministries
Yeah, yeah.

13:55.33
Lizelle
Men typically understand I know when when we were going through it. Oh my gosh like everybody I knew was like having a baby and a baby shower and all this stuff and I was like I like I really cannot go I cannot do this and I remember my husband just kind of. Like he was like surprised that I couldn't go because I was very like social and I wanted to go to all my friends things and then when I just didn't I was like no like this just reminds me that of something that I'm not I don't have right now and it just hurts too bad I'm not in a place that I could go so I think just having. A simple respect for each other in that also when it comes to family like and so we bring this circle in a little closer to family events. So let's say you know sister sister Inlaw brother brother inlaw. Whatever um, are having events and they're you know, like upset. Oh. You're not gonna come well maybe if if you and your spouse could talk about it like okay, we want to support our family but how do we do that knowing that we're struggling as well. Um, and let that be maybe a plan. Okay. We'll go. We'll go for 20 minutes 30 minutes so face leave and then make plans to decompress after that go to coffee go eat. Go get something to eat just decompress after that knowing that okay we support it. It was hard but let's go do something together.

15:17.75
Holly 
Um, hi.

15:28.99
Lizelle
And yeah, but you know at the end of the day do not hesitate or be afraid to get help if you need help professional help just talking to somebody can really just allow that third party.

15:30.79
Holly 
That's so bad.

15:39.56
Holly 
Are.

15:41.27
twelve12ministries
Um, yeah.

15:48.87
Lizelle
To help organize the thoughts help you process the feeling put words to them allow you to express it. It can be helpful. So don't hesitate to seek perfect help if you need It's see.

16:04.91
twelve12ministries
Yeah, yeah.

16:05.88
Holly 
I love that I love so many things that you said um I have like 1 kind of question. Well not a question. Well maybe yes, do you ever something that John and I um just learned to do with each other was when i.

16:13.36
Lizelle
Her book.

16:20.84
Lizelle
4

16:23.66
Holly 
Bring something to him or I'm like having a bad day or whatever it is if it's fertility related or it's not he'll say. Do do you want comfort or solutions because because they are such fixers I would like come to him and he would automatically start fixing and I would be like no no.

16:31.90
Lizelle
How.

16:34.66
twelve12ministries
Um.

16:41.46
Holly 
Like I just want you to like hold me and let me have a minute um and then if I wanted a solution same so that he started using it on me as well because I told him about it and then he was like that's great and I thought he would use it more. Um like I would use more with him but he's now using it with me but do you ever have you.

16:55.67
Lizelle
Right? Yes I have used that I've used it personally and I've suggested it to other couples because you're right personally when I've gone through just I mean anything and I just need to like to.

16:59.72
Holly 
Use that before is that something. Okay.

17:14.47
Holly 
Yes.

17:15.59
Lizelle
Talk it out immediately. My husband will come in and he'll just kind of he'll say like why don't you do this once do that I'm like listen I I don't need that like what I need is you to just listen and he's like oh ok, ok, and and then it's the you know this.

17:24.63
Holly 
Um.

17:30.84
Holly 
Um, yeah.

17:34.23
Lizelle
A lot of times like in new couples and seasoned couples. We get into those conversations and they can quickly turn into fights and Blowups of or just not on the same page. We just don't communicate the same. We're always fighting and it can really just be little.

17:44.40
Holly 
Um, yes.

17:44.84
twelve12ministries
Um, yeah.

17:53.17
Holly 
Um, yeah.

17:53.36
Lizelle
Pieces that we offer each other to say this is what I need from you how it can be helpful. Yes I love that I Love it.

17:58.98
Holly 
Yes, okay, and just so listeners can know what is then? what's the name of your practice or is it. Okay.

17:59.37
twelve12ministries
Um, okay.

18:07.19
Lizelle
Um, so I work for intentional counseling. Um, but I I work at that office in Frisco and and work for myself. So yeah, ah.

18:17.76
Holly 
Yes I love that. Okay so many good nuggets Liz all thank you so much just for speaking into these women and these couples and giving them tools to navigate this journey because we know it's hard and you can't do it alone.

18:19.41
twelve12ministries
Test this. Yeah.

18:26.00
Lizelle
On.

18:33.16
twelve12ministries
Yes.

18:35.60
Lizelle
Yeah, yeah, thank you so much and love you bye. Ah.

18:36.65
Holly 
All right? Thank you Sweet Souls Love you. Thank you for sharing with us by girl. Oh refined I forgot Okay I evenve wrote it down y'all I'm sorry I refined of it guys.

18:41.92
twelve12ministries
Um, ah.

18:55.99
Holly 
Is in April I can't you can't make this up. You can't so we're gonna try this again. Ladies our refined event is in April um, we will send out details on that soon. But we really hope that you intend and we love you so much. You can't make up the fact that my dog just barked.

19:01.60
twelve12ministries
Um, it's okay.

19:10.10
Lizelle
Um.

19:14.68
Holly 
We hope to see you there can't wait to see you goodbye but like why does this always happen.

19:14.96
Lizelle
Um, yes, and.

19:17.61
twelve12ministries
Um, is.