You Are Still God’s Masterpiece in This Season of Infertility

Infertility has a way of quietly reshaping how you see yourself.

In this episode of Purpose Beyond Motherhood, we sit down with counselor and ministry leader Monica Bates for a gentle, honest conversation about identity, emotional health, and finding your footing again with God while you’re still waiting.

We talk about what it looks like to name what you’re actually feeling without rushing to fix it, how grief and stress can dysregulate both your body and your faith, and why Scripture calls you God’s masterpiece even when your life doesn’t feel whole.

This episode is for the woman who feels disconnected from herself.
 For the one who loves God but feels emotionally worn down.
 For the one who needs permission to slow down and tell the truth.

You don’t have to pretend here.
 You are still deeply seen.
 And you are still God’s ongoing work of art.

Connect with Monica:
The Honey Rock Collective
https://www.honeyrockcollective.com

Email: monica@honeyrockcollective.com

More Support from Twelve 12 Ministries

If you’re looking for additional support, resources, or ways to connect:

Visit the Twelve 12 Ministries website: https://www.twelve12ministries.org/

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Transcript

NICOLE (00:00.256)
Hi friends, welcome back to another episode of the Purpose Beyond Motherhood podcast. We are your host. My name is Nicole.

Holly (00:10.007)
And I'm Holly.

NICOLE (00:12.158)
Hey friends, and we're just we're so glad that you're here. It's just we are here for you. We see you. We care for you so much and just excited to bring another amazing episode with another just amazing guest. Monica, Monica Bates, you guys, we love Monica. OK, I know Holly has her own story with Monica, so I'm going to tell mine first because I'm just jumping in here and then Holly, you tell yours. But really sweet Vivian.

Holly (00:28.878)
Woo woo!

Holly (00:32.844)
I do.

NICOLE (00:41.554)
Right, Smith, shout out to Vivian. we love her and she's just such a huge supporter of the ministry and all the things. And so she really sat down with me was like, Nicole, you need to know and get to know and meet with Monica. She is just like a, just a gem and is so kind and is really in line with what you guys are trying to accomplish with 1212. And she has a beautiful story.

Holly (00:41.795)
Mm. Yes.

Monica Bates (00:44.227)
Vivian. Yes.

Holly (00:47.33)
We do love her.

Monica Bates (01:03.267)
Holly (01:05.24)
Good.

NICOLE (01:11.282)
She is going to be helpful to you personally, but then also all of the women that you serve and you need to meet her. And so, I mean, literally right after that, was like, Monica, you don't know me, but I want to meet with you. And it just was like, right after that, just, mean, I even think we probably just scheduled a short amount of time. And I feel like we ran way over that of just talking and getting to know each other and just.

Monica Bates (01:17.41)
Monica Bates (01:23.715)
Let's have coffee.

Holly (01:25.474)
I wanna be your friend, yes. I love that.

Holly (01:38.464)
Sweet.

Monica Bates (01:40.205)
you

NICOLE (01:40.698)
I'm just so encouraged by you and your love for the Lord, your faith that you have, and then just how, just the tools too that you provide, even just in your life as your, the life you live as an example of just like how we don't have to stay stuck in where we are and that we can overcome, you know, what we're going through. And so I love that. And then Monica was on the panel at Refined. Love that. That was amazing.

Holly (01:44.45)
Mm-hmm.

Monica Bates (01:48.483)
Uh-uh.

Holly (01:53.976)
Mm.

Holly (01:57.507)
Amen.

Monica Bates (01:58.943)
It's good.

Holly (02:08.12)
Yeah.

NICOLE (02:10.622)
And then two, just a sweet little shout out. Our husbands have gone to lunch or something and they text everyone. So I think that that's precious friends, male friends.

Holly (02:16.878)
Monica Bates (02:19.331)
Yeah, it's good. Yes. Our men need friends.

Holly (02:21.078)
I love that. my goodness. Yes, they do. And I think it's harder for them to like do that, like the lunches and the, yeah. Yes, so I love Monica. I worked with her at one of my previous jobs and she was just one that, not that you're supposed to have favorites, but I did. And just like.

Monica Bates (02:30.924)
Yeah.

NICOLE (02:31.026)
Yes, a hundred percent. Okay, Holly, your turn.

Holly (02:47.534)
kind and gracious and full of mercy. There's just people you meet and actually you're one of two people in my life that I would say this about. Just like you feel the mercy of God when you're talking to you. Like there's just such a grace and a ease and a peace and I know that it's the Lord within you but I feel that around you and I think it's just a beautiful picture of God for his girls and everyone you interact with. We're just gonna encourage Monica today. That's what we're gonna do.

Monica Bates (03:00.301)
No.

Monica Bates (03:08.227)
Hmm.

Holly (03:17.304)
but just such a merciful and kind woman of God. So, yeah, yes.

Monica Bates (03:19.363)
Thank you, thank you. I love being with y'all. I think y'all are awesome. mean, Holly, yes, the history we have, I've always just your glow and your heart for the Lord and the light. I mean, you encounter, you encounter the light of God. And that's something I always, always admire and I'm inspired by you. And Nicole, just your tenacity and your courage to even leave this out right now.

NICOLE (03:20.159)
Yeah.

Holly (03:30.542)
You're sweet.

Thank you.

Holly (03:39.47)
Thank you.

Holly (03:44.194)
Yes.

Monica Bates (03:46.979)
It's just so amazing and your joy is contagious. mean, just your love for the Lord and I don't think you've ever met a stranger. So I just, I love that about you. So thank y'all so much.

Holly (03:54.049)
Amen.

NICOLE (04:00.54)
amazing. Thank you for sharing that. We're so glad that you're here. And so Monica, really, we just want to get out of the way and just let you kind of just share maybe what the Lord has like placed on your heart. But definitely, you know, introduce yourself and share all the things. you know, we want you to we're just getting out of the way. You just definitely lead us and you know, we'll just see what the Lord wants to do.

Holly (04:19.82)
Yes.

Monica Bates (04:21.219)
Nope.

Holly (04:23.843)
Yes.

Monica Bates (04:24.087)
Yeah, I this is great. everybody. I'm just so honored to be here today. And gosh, my heart is to see everyone walk in really total freedom and identity of how God has created you. And just getting this opportunity to be in this organic space, which is psychologically safe, which is really awesome. Cause I think in today's world, we need those psychological spaces that safe spaces where we can be ourselves.

and talk about things that we're doing. I've been leaning into launching and living out a new counseling business, a ministry really, to help people regulate and not be dysregulated in their emotions and to really align with the truth of how God created them and the masterpiece that they are. Ephesians 2 10 is my foundational scripture that we are God's masterpieces.

In the Greek, that word is poema and it means poem. And I think we're all so unique. And I always think about museums when you go into museums and how art is set apart, framed, and we will look at it and you get to interpret it. God creates our art in us. And I just think everyone's a blank canvas that can be created over and over again. But we are God's masterpieces. And so that's...

That's my foundational scripture.

Holly (05:53.154)
That's so good. I love that.

NICOLE (05:54.369)
That was like a beautiful illustration. It was so awesome. Yeah, thank you.

Monica Bates (05:54.531)
Mm-mm.

Hmm. Yeah.

Holly (06:01.366)
I love that. I love that picture of a mosaic piece for sure. That helps my brain. I'm such a learner. Okay. So how did you get to this place? Did you see a need and feel the need to... Okay. Yeah.

NICOLE (06:05.856)
Yeah.

Monica Bates (06:07.607)
Yeah.

Monica Bates (06:15.138)
Yeah, think, I mean, for men and women, but I've always like linked into where women are. And I think just the hearts of women and when, like when we've had that violation really of love, right, then it affects our identity. And that can be something that happened in childhood or young adulthood or our adulthood. And then also you have that violation of trust, then it affects our safety.

Holly (06:43.886)
Mm.

Monica Bates (06:43.892)
And so I've just seen in ministry that I've done over the years, people are walking in that space of not knowing who they are, not trusting spaces that they're in. And so I've always wanted to help people get back into alignment. I always call it like a spiritual chiropractor. You if you've been to the chiropractor and you're out of whack and it's like, you you get in alignment with the Lord, there's like warm honey flowing through your body and you just feel like, okay, this is who I am.

Holly (07:01.699)
good.

Holly (07:05.409)
Yes.

Holly (07:10.382)
Hmm.

Monica Bates (07:13.472)
You know, and sometimes we can forget because with everything going on around us, it can get us off kilter. It can get us. It can be a disruptor in our lives. And I just like walking with people walking alongside to help people get back on the path. I always compare it to I am not a marathon runner. I will walk fast, but I'm not a marathon runner. But like when people are running, right, there are people on the sidelines cheering them on. And it's like, I want to be the one on the sideline giving you

the water that you need at every mile mark and encouraging you. And I feel like that's what, I feel like that's what God's called me to do, to be on that sideline, cheering you on, giving you the living water so you can do your next mile and get to the finish line. And cause I can't run the race for you, but if I can give you tools and give you sustenance on your way, like that's a win, right? Cause we need to cheer each other on and be in each other's corners.

Holly (07:44.802)
Good.

Holly (08:10.177)
I love that.

Monica Bates (08:11.234)
Yeah.

Holly (08:13.4)
So good.

NICOLE (08:13.536)
was going to say, Monica, do you mind maybe, like, let's just jump right into this. Like, can you give us some tools? You know, because I think our listeners are walking in many different, you know, seasons. So whether it's a woman who is walking through infertility and she's just been in this really long season of waiting, or even that woman who has experienced a miscarriage. But then two, it's that woman maybe that is just like, okay.

Holly (08:19.81)
Mm.

Monica Bates (08:33.516)
Yeah.

Holly (08:37.091)
Good.

NICOLE (08:40.544)
I know I have purpose. I know that the Lord wants to do something in and through me, but I don't know how to get there. And so maybe what are just some tools for all of us, regardless of our season and the direction of where we're walking.

Monica Bates (08:48.108)
Yeah.

Monica Bates (08:56.096)
Yeah, I mean, feel one, I like we see you, you know, and we hear you of those walking through that because I feel like sometimes that can be such a lonely place. And I've walked through that in my first, in my first pregnancy. I was pregnant with twins, but I miscarried early in the pregnancy. But if they were fraternal, but my oldest daughter, I was contending for her, which God blessed us to walk through that to see her.

Holly (09:00.398)
Hmm.

Holly (09:21.742)
Mm.

Monica Bates (09:25.792)
be for her to be born, but just that, just that it's like the tug of war in your heart. What is happening? What's going on? And contending in your faith for that was really a struggle, really, really hard. But God's so faithful in that. And I think through that, when you're walking through that pain, right? It's like knowing like how to name what you're feeling. Cause I think sometimes even in,

Holly (09:51.374)
Mm.

Monica Bates (09:55.113)
I'm going to go there. Like in the church spaces, we want to just cover everything up and just like, but you know, God's got you and God's in control or whatever someone's going to say. And I think that sometimes you really have to pause and say, okay, what am I feeling? Let me name this pain. I don't want to do that spiritual bypassing to like, to make, minimalize someone's feelings, experience or anything like that. So I feel like the first thing is one, one tool is what am I feeling?

Holly (10:12.6)
Good.

Monica Bates (10:25.186)
And in the work that I do, I have a huge feelings wheel with my kids when they were young, even now I'm like, what are you feeling? They're like, I don't want that feelings. Well, I'm like, no, it's really important because you got to be able to say I'm disturbed or I'm disappointed or I'm frustrated or I mean, we know the mad, sad and glad, but sometimes it can go deeper and be able to name the pain. And then the second tool is once you kind of pause, really breathe and then

Holly (10:25.326)
Mm.

Holly (10:30.626)
Good.

Holly (10:47.662)
you

Monica Bates (10:54.58)
What's the pain? And then what am I feeling? And then how am I responding? How do I cope with that? And I think that's what we see in so many of our families and women, husbands, marriages, how are we coping with that pain, right? Or some will, I don't know, just withdraw and not talk and shut down, or others will go and just go shopping and just buy everything or, you know, eating, not eating.

being angry, not angry, raging out, not raging out. Like they're all different kinds of ways. So then it's like when you're dealing with that, it's speaking a message to you. And I think it's really asking, what's that message that I'm believing about myself? Like I am not adequate, right? Say if that's it. Then it's like in your quiet time, could you take that word, take that belief that I'm not adequate?

Holly (11:29.432)
Mm.

Monica Bates (11:54.282)
and ask the Holy Spirit, but what's my truth? And then 1000 % the Holy Spirit will come back and give you a word. It may, I am adequate. I am enough. I'm empowered. God loves me. He sees me. And then when that happens, then it's asking, okay, if I know that I'm adequate, if I know that I'm enough, and I don't mean just in your head, but in your heart, then how would I deal with the situation differently?

because how you feel when you're like really dysregulated and feeling you're not enough, you're not adequate, and you're coping with that pain versus bringing that pain to the Lord and asking the Lord, what's my truth? And then choosing, okay, if I feel adequate, then I'm gonna be more loving and I'm gonna be more engaged and I'm gonna be able to talk about this in a way that's not gonna push people away or even make me hide. It's like, they're all different, they're different kinds of ways that we can.

take that, but those tools of like those four questions are so big. And I think that sometimes we miss that. Again, like I said, if we wanna just do the spiritual bypass and be like, well, God's in control. Well, you never deal with that feeling. And then it pushes down on your soul and it's gonna come up somewhere because our bodies do keep the score like of the frustration and the hurt and that pain and we need to bring it up.

So I think those are the kinds of things that can really, really help people as they're walking through the seasons that they're walking through, you know?

Holly (13:29.24)
That's really good. I love that. while you were talking, I was thinking about this a little bit too. So I think you bring such a cool perspective because you have your pastoral background and this like groups with what you're doing now, I think is amazing for the woman who has, I don't want to say been hurt by, sometimes I think well-intentioned pastors will say things like,

I had one say to me, I think there's something spiritual going on. That's why you're not getting pregnant. And it was one that I had no relational equity with. So when she said it, like quickly in my spirit, was like, nope. But for the woman that doesn't have that, yes. What would you say, how would you encourage someone, whether they work in a church or they're just very involved in a church serving while navigating infertility, if they've received anything?

Monica Bates (14:06.549)
Yeah, it's like, nope, shut down. Right?

NICOLE (14:07.582)
you

Holly (14:22.978)
that doesn't align with scripture and with truth. How, I don't know how to ask that question. I don't even know what I really want to ask, but is there anything you would say to that woman who maybe has gotten funny feedback that might've been well intentioned or God told me you're pregnant when they're not, you know, things like, is there any, anything you would say to her? I know that's a broad, I didn't give you a very linear thing here, but.

Monica Bates (14:44.713)
Yeah, I mean...

Monica Bates (14:50.165)
Yeah, no, I mean, when you said that, it just makes me think that, like in the improv verse, it talks about there's wisdom in a multitude of counselors, right? And so sometimes people are gonna say what they think they should say, because it sounds good or they don't take into account. Yeah, tie a bow on it. Because a lot of people don't wanna deal with other people's pain. So it's easier to push people away.

Holly (15:04.77)
Mm-hmm.

Holly (15:08.686)
tie a bow on it.

Holly (15:15.052)
Right. Good.

NICOLE (15:15.7)
Mm.

Monica Bates (15:17.953)
and to say like, put it, yeah, slap a nice bow on it. And it's like, okay, I've done my part. You're, you know, you're kind of on your own kind of thing. Excuse me. And, and I, and I think that if that doesn't settle in your heart, you know, it's like, let me, let me find some people that, that I trust that, that know me, that I can, that I can talk to. I mean, that's what I love about the 1212 ministry is that it is a place where

Holly (15:23.8)
Mm-hmm.

Holly (15:31.523)
Mm.

Holly (15:40.792)
Good.

Monica Bates (15:45.364)
If people encounter that, say in their church space, they can definitely come to you all, right? And that's going to be a group of counselors and wise people that they can connect with and have a conversation and feel seen and heard and not, and the situation they're dealing with wouldn't be minimized. know? Yeah. You know, that's, mean, honestly, that's what I would do because I think that sometimes, not that you always have to go through the experience, but

Holly (15:50.584)
Mm-hmm.

Holly (16:05.571)
Good.

Monica Bates (16:15.807)
to me as leaders, be honest with yourself. Like if I haven't experienced that, let me find somebody that may have had the experience, that has walked through it, come out on the other side that I can connect you to. Because to me, that's honoring and loving. It's not my pride that's going to make me, that my pride is going to make me want to answer the question and just say something, right? But not knowing on the other side of that communication, I've...

Holly (16:22.498)
Mm-hmm.

Holly (16:29.902)
It's good.

Holly (16:38.445)
Right.

Monica Bates (16:44.085)
wounded that person even more and not being aware. Like, that's not my heart. I don't want to wound that person. So I'd rather humble myself and say, you know what? I don't know, but let's find out. Let's find someone who's walked through that. Or let's connect you to a ministry, like 12 ministries that can really help you walk through this season in a beautiful way. Like, I think that's the most beautiful, loving thing that we can do for people.

Holly (16:45.326)
Mm.

Holly (16:55.626)
Mm-hmm. That's good.

NICOLE (16:57.044)
now.

Holly (17:10.68)
That's good. I like that.

Monica Bates (17:12.181)
Yeah, yeah.

NICOLE (17:13.16)
Yeah, same. So good. I know. I'm like, Monica, what else?

Holly (17:16.213)
Monica Bates (17:18.187)
Yeah.

Holly (17:19.702)
I know. wait. Before we hit record, what did we talk about? when she spoke on our refined panel. And I think I asked something. I hosted the panel and I asked something about overall wellness and you talked to the ladies in the panel group session. Did we already talk about this while we were recording or no? We did not yet. Okay. did think we did. Tell me if I'm repeating myself. You mentioned...

NICOLE (17:23.04)
I'm ready.

Monica Bates (17:40.545)
No, wait, yeah, I'm over-attacked

NICOLE (17:40.84)
No, no, we haven't talked about it. This is like right on time. Yeah.

Holly (17:47.906)
getting up and like moving your body and how all of that is so connected. Will you talk about that just really briefly for them?

Monica Bates (17:52.641)
Yeah, mean, exercise is key. Like through this season, it's been a different season for me this year and I had to get up and move, you know, and breathing. And it's almost like, it just helps you regulate. don't wanna, I mean, that word now is like a trendy word, like emotional dysregulation, but it's a real thing, you know? And it's like, I wanna get back in alignment. I wanna be in my sane mind, you know? And I don't wanna be,

Holly (18:01.902)
Mm-hmm.

Holly (18:09.164)
Yeah.

Holly (18:13.546)
Yes.

Holly (18:20.195)
Good.

Monica Bates (18:22.176)
So out of order, out of alignment, you know? And so the walking, the deep breathing, it helps calm your brain. And that's something that I think sometimes we can forget about. Because when you're really stressed out, you're not pausing and breathing. You know, we're trying to get to the next thing. And so I think it's doing those self-care things that is really important. And what are the things that give you life? You know, it's like,

Holly (18:27.202)
Yes.

Holly (18:31.406)
Hmm.

NICOLE (18:41.076)
No.

Holly (18:41.09)
Good.

Monica Bates (18:51.144)
if it's having coffee with a friend or taking a walk or just having a conversation that's gonna be life-giving, it's really, really important and it's not a selfish thing. And I think sometimes we can be in those spaces where we feel like it's selfish, but it's not. God created us to be in community. And he says he placed the lonely in family. And so there's family that God wants us to connect to.

And it may not always be our family of origin, but it's friends and people that have come along in our lives that make us feel safe that we can have those conversations. So I think, yeah, the walking, drinking lots of water, you know, making sure that we're even taking the vitamins and supplements that we need. I mean, those things are really, really important. And I think that sometimes we can forget, and we're so stressed out, we forget about that. We forget about taking care of ourselves.

Holly (19:50.722)
Good. I like that. I love that reminder.

Monica Bates (19:51.594)
Yeah.

NICOLE (19:53.024)
Okay, I have a confession.

Monica Bates (19:55.872)
What's your confession?

Holly (19:56.13)
Yes. Tell us.

NICOLE (19:56.681)
And so, but just about, you know, of that self care space, right? I think it takes me so long to get there. But when I get there, almost stay there. Does that make sense? You know, and so how can we really find that middle ground of just like, I'm taking, I'm taking care of myself. I'm not, I can't deal with all of the other things, you know, but does that make sense of still having that, you know, fine line of

Monica Bates (20:02.035)
Yeah.

Monica Bates (20:07.519)
Yeah.

Holly (20:11.96)
Mm.

NICOLE (20:23.188)
We're still going to take care of ourselves, but we're not going to stay in that moment of just like almost like not defeat, but just we want to come out of that and still have that balance or rhythm of rest. But also we're still continuing to heal and get better and all the things.

Monica Bates (20:30.536)
Yeah.

Monica Bates (20:39.07)
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I love what you're saying because I think that it's like, it's scheduling it too. You know what I mean? It's like, just like if we schedule a coffee or schedule an appointment or whatever, it's like scheduling that, that self care time for ourselves. And, and that's okay. And you really need to do that just to recalibrate and just to, just to realign yourself with, okay.

Holly (20:45.422)
Mm.

NICOLE (20:45.834)
Yeah.

Holly (20:52.162)
Good.

Monica Bates (21:03.444)
this is healthy for me, this is good for me and it's not selfish and I'm not taking away from anybody or anyone. And it's like the Sabbath, right? It's like, you need to take the time to connect with the Lord and hear his voice and what does that look like? And the Sabbath is really not doing nothing, but it's more of like getting you back in alignment with the Lord and if it's not, and not doing work, you know what I mean? It's like, we can always be in our emails, we can always be texting, we can always.

Holly (21:13.73)
Mm.

Good.

NICOLE (21:28.928)
Mm-hmm.

Holly (21:31.726)
Yeah.

Monica Bates (21:32.372)
There's so many things that are pulling our attention away and giving yourself that self-care space is so important. It's so valuable. I think it's like brushing your teeth, know, it's like taking a shower or it's like the self-care piece is really, really, really important. And giving yourself time to heal because there's no timeline on healing, right? It's like...

Holly (21:56.238)
Mm.

Monica Bates (21:59.999)
God forbid someone says, well, you should be over this by now. you know, like that is like, to me, that's like the worst thing to say to people. It's like, give people the space to heal. And then everybody's healing journey looks different, right? So helping people kind of figure out like, well, what would healing look like for me, you know, in this season? And then help me, like give me the tools, you know, help people give, help give people the tools that they need.

NICOLE (22:08.853)
Mm-hmm.

Holly (22:11.416)
Good.

Holly (22:20.654)
Mm.

Monica Bates (22:29.482)
to be in that space, you know?

Holly (22:32.173)
I love that.

Monica Bates (22:33.342)
Yeah.

Holly (22:35.574)
Okay, Monica, as we close, will you tell all of our listeners where they could find your information, where they could connect with you, what that would look like?

NICOLE (22:35.868)
I know, so encouraging.

Monica Bates (22:37.982)
Mm-hmm.

Monica Bates (22:47.448)
yeah, my website, thehoneyrockcollective.com. You can go on there and we can set up a time to chat and do a consultation. I do one-on-one, I do groups, I do workshops on like anxiety and soul care. So I love working with groups and in one-on-one meetings. So that's the best way to get in touch with me.

Holly (22:49.677)
Yes.

Monica Bates (23:15.16)
is on the on the website and my email monica at honey rock collective.com and they can email me so i'd be honored to walk along with anyone that needs need support and help and counseling and a friend in counseling you know yeah yeah

Holly (23:32.878)
Hmm, that's good. I love that.

NICOLE (23:35.868)
Yes, yeah, we will definitely put all of those, you know, all of your information in the show notes so people can connect with you and all the things.

Monica Bates (23:44.778)
That's great. That's great. That's awesome.

NICOLE (23:47.262)
Monica, we appreciate you so much. Yeah. This episode conversation was really such a blessing.

Holly (23:47.854)
Sweet lady.

So good. Truly. Thank you for being with us.

Monica Bates (23:54.054)
good. I'm glad. I want to, yeah, to contribute. Thank you for an invitation.

NICOLE (23:57.363)
Yes, yeah. So definitely, absolutely look forward to continuing to partner with you and all the things and friends. will see you next time on the Purpose Beyond Motherhood podcast.

Holly (24:03.096)
Yes.